When those you love shut you out.

We were inseperable, we jumped into each other’s lives abruptly and unexpectedly. We’d known each other for years but were never made to sit together, get to know one another, so we didn’t. That was the way highschool was ya know?

She’s been going through hell and back for so long now, sometimes I forget the times when everything was easier, when we made happy memories. I miss those times.

So there’s two of us, both have mental health issues, but that wasn’t what connected us and I’m bloody glad that wasn’t the initial basis of our friendship.

Things got tougher though, and I got through my things because I was lucky enough to have my social work degree offering me the tools and the justification to get help at whatever cost. She didn’t, and she was “never sick enough” to go and when she was, she wasn’t thinking so clearly. I have seen her being sectioned under the mental health act too many times and it kills me a little bit more inside each time. It feels like I have failed my job as a best friend each and everytime. Everytime, she screams at me for “letting them do this” to her, or that I “have no idea what she is going through”. I’ve heard her, from sitting against the wall of the hospital corridor, wailing and screaming policy at them to get them to let her out.

It has been tough. Like the phenomenon of tornado’s. That would be an accurate desciption of the past five years. Emotions are poured into everything in this friendship and sometimes it is difficult and sometimes it is good. I’m the kind of person that admits and welcomes everything unpredictable with arms wide open. Her on the other hand, it gets too much.

I am lucky to have had her in my life, where we used to be able to pick up right from where we left off. Even after depression made me disappear for a while or when mania had given me too many good ideas, but I could never ring her when I needed her the most. When I did ring her, half the time she wouldn’t even pick the phone up, like she intuitively knew when I was at my worst. It was probably a good thing ya know, unlike me, picking up the phone or dropping everything for her when she needed me the most. Even when dropping everything meant getting a lower grade because it was late because I’d taken her to hospital.

Now she’s ignoring me. With no explanation, she is ignoring me, my phonecalls and my texts. I don’t know why I am even still bothering. I wish I was one of those people who was a “fuck it” kind of person. I used to be. Anyone did me wrong: “fuck it, I don’t care”, and I genuinely didn’t care.

Now she’s ignoring me. With no explanation, she is ignoring me. I’ve been holding the stress and distress of too many people recently and always had hers as the priority. And now she’s ignoring me? I wish I could just say “bless the queer bitches heart” and move on, but it’s eating me up inside. I keep tralling over everything I have done in the past few weeks to fuck things up on such a tremendous scale, but I can’t come up with anything.

Recently, I have been holding the stress and distress of too many. I’m tired and about to jump into a new journey in my life and it’s scary and it’s exciting and she’s not here to join me.

I miss her. I miss the good memories.

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