Sometimes I don’t know what to say

So I’ve moved cities and back in with my parents. It was a great idea at first but all too soon I realised why I lived elsewhere for the past five years. It is difficult to not be able to cope living in your home town with all of the memories (good and bad) that come with it. I had forgotten the toll that these memories take on me, knowing that I cannot run away to my home down the line when it gets too much.

The thing is, not much has changed here, many of my closest friends are still here and it’s not like I’ve been away for the entirety of this five years. But things have changed, I’ve met new people here and I’d dearly love for them to know the whole me, the true me.

The thing about this town and me is the secrets and the lies that have come along with it. What I can and can’t tell people here because of who knows who is beginning to eat away at me. Honesty has been everything for me for the past 14 years of my life, it has been the one thing that let’s me decide on those that I’ll let close.

Today I was talking with a mate here and I found myself biting my tongue, not letting them close enough to know me. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get to a point where I can whole heartedly be me and my truth and not give a fucking damn what anyone has to say about it.

I was me when I nearly succumbed too death or nearly let me kill myself or nearly let my demons eat me alive.

I was my mother’s daughter when I did not speak my truth for fear of the consequences of it on other people’s lives or when I said “no I’m fine” or when I clawed at my flesh deeper than just the surface prying out any piece of release I could get my hands on.

I didn’t know who I was over five years ago when I was silently distressed, screaming into the pillow like I was searching for someone to save me down a cracking phone line. No one that could save me could see it and I had no one that I could run to at the drop of a hat to spill my guts to. Maybe if my rapist did not live in this town, my life would feel a little more at ease.

I’m going to the doctors on Monday.

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